Downtime

Yesterday was notable for getting very little done on RPM. I started trying to write a piece for piano, then when that proved too much for me, switched to trombone which was equally difficult. All of which eventually culminated in me taking myself off to the Emergency Room at Hammersmith Hospital where the doctor said that, yes, I had managed to properly concuss myself but that it wasn’t serious. I will be without my brain for a couple of days apparently. Talk about appalling timing! I don’t HAVE a couple of days to spare right now! End of the month, sure! But now? Aaargh!

Anyway, there’s nothing much to be done about it, so I’ve been trying to do some thinking and listening and get things sorted in my head for when I’m capable of stringing notes together again. I’ve come up with an idea for the slide guitar piece which is a bit of a variation on the one I didn’t tell you anything about a couple of days ago. I think this may work, assuming I can battle Logic to do what I want. The inspiration for this one is one of Josh Davis’ Praystation machines. That is all I will say

I sent off the first email to my lovely commissioners, just to wave and send contact details and let them know what’s on the final list of instruments, really. Now I need to work out whether there’s an easy way I can set up for them to send over their recordings. Will investigate whether I can do this via Dropbox or Box.net first, then might have to resort to FTP. Wonder if I can do a website form that will FTP a file to a designated spot. That would be nice & easy. Hmm.

In other news, I spent about half an hour today switching over my comments system here and on caitlinrowley.com to use Disqus instead of Intense Debate. Intense Debate’s been bugging me because the layout onscreen is pretty messy, although the options are quite good, and to clear out the spam folder I need to deactivate the plugin, which is just plain stupid. My friend Jen has Disqus on her Tumblr blog and in using it this morning I was impressed how tidy the experience was, so I’ve shifted. And hopefully it will make commenting a more joyful experience. In doing so I discovered that at the moment I seem to working to a ratio of 30 minutes work to 3 hours napping. Productivity joy.

Hoping I’ll be able to start thinking more in terms of notes tomorrow…

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Day of drama

Today has been filled with dramatic events but, alas, not really a lot of work.

The first dramatic event was that I found out that Carrion Comfort has been chosen as one of 10 (out of 16) pieces to be workshopped by London Contemporary Chamber Orchestra on my birthday, 31 March. I can’t wait to hear what the orchestra makes of it – hope it’s not too hard…

Secondly, I made some little tweaks to Nest and sent it off to the performer. She had a question about trills which resulted in needing to clarify the notation a little, so I did that in the evening. Hopefully it’s at its last version now. I’ve laid it out ready for binding as I’m thinking of offering the participants of my little commission project the option to receive a bound copy of all the scores created. That might be fun.

Thirdly, I managed to concuss myself. Fortunately just a little bit – hit my head rather hard on the badly designed cupboard that juts out with a sharp corner directly above the dishwasher – but it effectively wiped out the afternoon for real work as I felt quite woozy and couldn’t make my eyes focus properly for more than about 5 seconds at a time. Seems to be mostly better now. Just feeling a little fragile.

So, counter to the plan, I wasn’t able to start on either the piano/organ or harp piece this afternoon. But I didn’t want to waste time either, so I did a bunch of listening and came up with a plan for the slide guitar piece. I won’t reveal it here because I’m running it past the performer to see if he’s cool with the concept but it was good to be devoting some time to thinking about that one as I suspect I may get totally caught up in the intricacies of writing for slide guitar if I try to write a fully-notated piece, but doing something that’s 100% graphic score seems a bit of a cop-out.

I also found, and attempted to apply for a job at Collaborative Arts Network, except that when I clicked through to apply it said the job wasn’t available, even though the deadline was 14 February, and I completely failed to find current contact details for them anywhere on the web – the best I could do was an email address, which bounced. Apart from that I found the Director on LinkedIn. He may be my only chance! Of course, it’s entirely possible that they just found someone they already knew, but it does seem odd, so I feel I should pursue it.

Lights are still out across half the flat – D went to Robert Dyas today but didn’t understand that Djeli wanted him to buy fuse wire as opposed to just fuses, so I have to go out tomorrow to get the right stuff and take the fuses back. Hopefully tomorrow evening there will be light.

Oh, and yesterday’s bread which had seemed such a disaster turned out to be nothing of the sort. True, it’s not as light and airy as one had hoped, but it’s still perfectly edible and delicious. Looking forward to having another go with this flour (Dove’s Farm Malthouse)… when it’s not snowing!

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Improv

Wow! What a day! I’ve made a huge start on my first RPM Challenge piece: First thing this morning I pulled down the recordings from Iraklio and Brussels into Logic, so all those field recordings are now on my hard disk. I also spent about an hour messing around with ideas on my flute and recording them (note: this is a big deal for me – I NEVER improvise!). A slight setback when the very best take for ideas AND execution AND tone ended up being lost when my laptop suddenly shut down without warning, but I managed two takes which are halfway decent and I’m cobbling them together to create overlapping parts. This afternoon I started sticking it all together in Logic: After exploring some other field recordings I had lying around, I’ve decided to stick with just the Zurich and Brussels recordings and the two flute takes – the more stuff I try to work with, the slower I’m going to be and the point of this whole exercise is speed.

Anyway, I now have 4:28 of music!!! It’s not the greatest thing I’ve ever done. It’s a little morbid and ambly. But the point is that I’ve actually created nearly 4 1/2 minutes of music in a single day! Hoping I can finish it tonight or tomorrow (although I just remembered that I have to get the parts done for Carrion Comfort, so it won’t be tonight).

I published a blog post on perfectionism and what I’m hoping to get out of this challenge: it’s up on caitlinrowley.com if you want to read it. And – relating to that – over the course of the afternoon I identified a reason why it takes me so long to write stuff. I keep going back to listen to the whole thing from the beginning! I kept catching myself doing this, even when it wasn’t really necessary. I feel like what I’m writing is losing touch with what I’ve written before, so I go back and listen from the beginning – and of course, as the piece gets longer this takes longer each time, so now I’m trying to watch out for this and when I go to do it, I think: do I really need to do this? Or should I just press on a bit longer?

1am update: Parts are prepped and ready for a print-out proof tomorrow… just as soon as I nip out to the shops to buy some more black ink. Also got a bit caught up in the moment when I ought to have been heading for bed and finally fixed up the time signatures for Egg the Ninth – I KNEW 9/8 wasn’t right. But 6/8 wasn’t either – turns out it needed to be 6/8 interspersed with occasional 9/8 bars. FUN!

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Australia Day

I frickin’ HATE Australia Day. It usen’t to bother me – it just seemed a bit pointless. Now it actively offends because the whole thing has become so American. I have no problem with Americans being American about American celebrations. But for a day which is supposed to commemorate the founding of our laid-back nation, the current trend for flag-waving just nauseates me. Not to mention that for a small but significant proportion of the population it’s Invasion Day. The current patriotic overkill just seems to rub that fact in just a little bit more. And maybe squeezes lemon juice in the wound too. So I don’t like it. And I don’t celebrate it. I do my very best to ignore it, which seems pretty much impossible, with the result that I am always in a filthy temper on Australia Day. And today seems to be no exception.

However, I have turned it to my advantage and drafted up a blog post on whether I’m an Australian composer or not (jury’s out on the verdict of that one) which has made me feel a bit better. I also battled my way through some more work on Carrion Comfort and came to the conclusion that I don’t have the foggiest what key it’s in. My harmonic skills are not advanced enough to wade through the chromaticism and come up with a definite answer. It definitely starts in G minor, with moments of G major, but after that, who knows? It may possibly end in C-sharp minor, but I really wouldn’t swear to it on a Bible, so I am taking the wuss’s way out and declaring it to be atonal, which means ditching all key signatures and relying on accidentals. I hope the amateur players won’t be too put off by that. I am converting all sharps to flats, in an effort to make it easier to read. Really wish I didn’t have to do that. F-flat is not the same as E-natural in my book – conceptually it’s a completely different animal, but there you have it. It’ll be easier to read. I do wonder sometimes whether my loose interchanging of sharps and flats when I’m writing a piece isn’t influenced by being a flautist – B-flat or A-sharp, it’s the same fingering regardless, so it’s more about what goes on in the head than what goes on with the fingers. Maybe for string or keyboard instruments it’s not so easy to change mental gears like that. Or maybe I’m just weird.

I’ve also made a bit of progress on the fanfare. It had got a bit stuck, so I’ve tried a different approach and started a new section, using the same material, hugely slowed down and separated out and with a fair bit of whitespace too. I’ll review it tomorrow and see what I think.

I doubt Carrion Comfort will go to the printers tomorrow. Or at least not tomorrow during the day. I’ve achieved too little on it today. So the absolute deadline is for it to be waiting in their inbox at 8am Monday morning, so as to have a hope of being able to pick it up, bind it and send it on Monday afternoon. CAN’T miss that deadline.

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Exploring where I want to go

Today was the Trinity Laban Invitation Day. The idea behind it is to give those who have received an invitation the chance to find out a little more about studying at Trinity so they can decide between the various institutions who have offered them a place. In my case, as I only applied for Trinity and have no real doubts about the course, I mostly went along just to get a bit of a taster of what I can look forward to.

And it was a great day. We spent an hour in a composer workshop on writing for ethnic flutes, got to have a good chat with a couple of students over lunch, did a quick tour of the (gorgeous) campus and then had a meeting with the Head of the Composition Department, Dominic Murcott, who answered our questions and showed us some videos of interesting work by past students.

All great stuff and I can’t WAIT to get started. But the big issue of the day is the confirmation that we need to choose our own composition tutor. For me, this is incredibly difficult. In Australia, it probably would have been pretty easy because I’m so familiar with the work and history of so many composers, not just from concertgoing, but from my work at the Australian Music Centre. But here, I’m all at sea. Unlike, I suppose, many prospective students, I didn’t choose Trinity on the basis of a specific person teaching there, but instead on the approach of the college as a whole and the general broad stylistic bent of the teachers as a group.

So I don’t know who I want to study with. Dominic made some suggestions, based on my (rather vague) stated goal of finding someone to push me to try stuff I haven’t done before, but what it’s done is to make me really think about where I want to go with my composition. Sure I want to try new stuff, but I need to consider what sort of new stuff I want to try. Thoughts… thoughts…

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Thoughts

I’ve been neglecting this blog a bit over the past few months, I know. And then last week I went and posted my new year goals list here which feels a little like I’ve sullied the purity of this space, but if I’m honest, pretty much nobody reads this blog and while it’s been useful – and continues to be from time to time – I’m not managing to keep up the daily posts.

Mind you, my creative activity has increased vastly since the time when I set up One Creative Thing. So much so that I no longer have the time or energy to blog about all that creative activity, so I guess that’s a good thing!

What I’m leading towards is that I’m thinking that I might change the focus of this blog a bit. Not quite sure where it’ll go – it’ll still be about regular creative activity, but I’ve been wanting to post about general creativity topics for a while now, and frankly it was getting a bit dull just writing endless lists of what I’d been doing – posting my soul on caitlinrowley.com on a regular basis has shown me that it’s more interesting for other people to read about the thoughts that go into a creative activity rather than just knowing about the activity itself. Otherwise, it should just be a blog of lists, bare-bones. Maybe it could be a bit of both. I’m not sure yet.

Today I’m recovering from the first cold of 2012. This one’s hit me hard & I’ve been in bed for a week now. Not a great start to the year, but I’ve done some thinking in that time, and especially following on from doing the 2012 list, I’m thinking of consolidating my sideline blogs. There’s this one, plus Minimania, which was my Vox blog and now languishes at Typepad, plus a couple of neglected Tumblogs too, and it occurred to me that if I broaden the scope of this blog, then maybe I can consolidate the ex-Vox content (which currently is really only updated with the annual goals lists, birthday & Christmas lists for relatives in far-flung places and the occasional personal post) with what’s here and ditch the nasty TypePad experience altogether. Maybe this space can build more on the work in progress posts on caitlinrowley.com, giving a day-to-day account of what I feel is right (or not) with the work as I’m doing it. Given that I’m going to be starting a Masters degree later this year, and that I want to start doing more active listening, more scheduled composition sessions, that could be a good thing.

Will it still be One Creative Thing? I’m not sure. Guess I’ll have to see where these thoughts take me.

(Oh, and today Djeli and I attempted to make “Princesses” – chocolate meringues – out of my new-for-Christmas French baking book. They were a bit of a disaster, but I think I know where we went wrong, so I’ll be having another go soon. Also designed and ordered proper business cards for Raspberry Blue. And read a lot)

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Who’s a little failure then?

Well, that would be me. I have completely and utterly failed at Creative Pact 2011. It wasn’t that I didn’t want to do it – I really, really did, but the insanity was looming large, and then we went to Spain, and then there was a bit more insanity. I’m back to normal now and working on Carrion Comfort again, but it came too late, alas, to salvage my Creative Pact credibility.

However, progress has been made and I am well into the second half of the piece now. I’m encountering some issues though of not being entirely sure where I’m going. I can feel the length of the piece. I can feel how I want it to match up with the intensity map of the poem I painted some time ago:

So I can feel the bones of it, as it were, but I just can’t seem to push it forward. It feels like trying to speak without having language and being reduced to waving my hands in the air because the concept I want to express is completely abstract and I can’t even use simple gestures to explain it.

I suspect that part of the problem may be the scope of this piece. I’m just not used to dealing with something of this size. I’m not talking about duration – it’s still only a couple of minutes long – but about the complexity, textural depth, and the sheer number of tonal colours and elements I’m handling. I keep making attempts at working in piano score to try to keep away from all these bits which are confusing me, but I can’t seem to get it right.

(and just then, looking at the map, I had an idea of how it could end. With a bit of luck this might guide me through in the next few days).

So it’s lurking a little at the moment, but I keep coming back to it. I’m definitely doing better work when I’m at the V&A members’ room – must be being out of the house, I think – fresh atmosphere, the purposefulness of going to a specific place to work, plus the added incentive that I don’t take my power cord, so once the laptop battery dies, that’s it for the day…

As I’ve been working on this one piece for so long now too, I’m beginning to feel quite strongly that I need to work out how to actively work on two pieces at once. I can manage to compose one while planning another, but having notes on the go for two separate projects isn’t really something I’ve managed to do yet. Must practice, I guess.

Looking forward to making some progress tomorrow.

Oh! PS. I put in my application to study for an MMus at Trinity Laban yesterday! Trying not to get too excited – first there’s putting in my scores and support material, then there’s finding out if they even want me to audition. It’s got a way to go before it’s a done deal, but I’m just really glad I’ve done it. Yay me.

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Plodding

And again, it feels like I don’t have much to report on the creative front. I’ve spent most of the day installing and setting up stuff on my shiny-new-innards laptop. The good news is that the reinstall seems to have made a big difference to the general speed problems – even with all the Logic Studio instruments installed. It’s been really worthwhile. Finale is installed and all updated and is opening the files I reimported, and right now I’m re-downloading the installer for Garritan Personal Orchestra 4, without which I can’t play back my piece without buggering up all the settings by making them MIDI, so I’m trying to be patient but can’t wait to see if the reinstall has actually fixed the stuttering sound problem. Wish I’d realised I didn’t have the original GPO installer before dinnertime when our connection always goes slow though…

I’m still hoping I may get to a note or two tonight, but not really holding my breath.

I have, however, been doing a lot of thinking about the massive stress that’s been holding me back and messing up my head so badly over the past few weeks. Thinking of how to deal with it in general, and what I need to do or cancel doing in particular. I think I’ve decided to just put Australia plans on hold for the rest of the year – this has been about the 4th attempt I’ve made to get to Australia and every single time something has gone horribly wrong. This time my teeth are acting up again and I’m very worried the root canal work I had done in March (the slow recovery of which and attendant back pain cancelled the first and second planned Australia trip) may need to be re-excavated. Dentist’s appointment when I get back from Spain. So I’m thinking it will be better for my peace of mind if I just cancel the whole Aus 2011 idea, focus on getting better, both physically and mentally, over the next few months, maybe spend a little money on making my working and living spaces happier and more serene – buy & frame some pictures for the walls, get that Le Creuset frying pan I’ve been wanting for so long to help me cut down the amount of fat I need to cook with, maybe invest in a proper desk rather than what I have right now (a double-gateleg dining table, which is a bit awkward because of the legs getting in the way) – that sort of thing. I had a look at the idea of renting a small office or studio space for a few months this morning, but I think that won’t really work because unless I moved the piano and all my books & stereo into it, it wouldn’t really be productive, and moving that amount of stuff for the short term just isn’t really worthwhile. Heigh ho.

So plodding along. Making progress with getting the technology set up to do the work, but notes are in short supply right now.

Update: GPO is installed! And the file is making the right sounds now, and in spite of having been running hot most of the afternoon installing stuff… NO STUTTERING!

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Reconsidering

Well, this month really isn’t getting any better. And today definitely contributed to the downhill slide into dismal oblivion with the news that my very first composition teacher, Eric Gross, has died. Prof Gross was really a lovely man and a very fine composer, although I didn’t really get either of these things when I first started learning with him and for a long time I thought that he was just the wrong teacher for me.

But today I’ve been doing a lot of thinking about that experience and I suspect that a large part of the blame lies with me. If I had been less timid and a bit more confident in my own abilities, if I had asked more questions in particular, what might that first year have been like? At the time I thought his music was terribly modern inaccessible. Now, after 20 years’ worth of listening and studying and writing and thinking, I find this is most definitely not the case and I wonder what I could have learned from him were he my teacher now instead of then.

So I’ve written a blog post about it which will go up on caitlinrowley.com tomorrow afternoon.

Rest in peace, Eric. I’m looking forward to exploring your music properly and learning as much as I can from it that I wasn’t ready to learn from you 20 years ago.

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Second attempt

Well, not seriously. I didn’t really expect to just be able to walk in to the Apple Store at Shepherd’s Bush and walk out with an iPad 2. And look! I was right! But I did achieve my officially-stated goal of inspecting the covers. They’re very cute. Such a shame they didn’t make one that covers the back too. I mean, it’d be less sleek, but a whole lot more effective if you drop the thing. And of course there are no third-party covers out pretty much at all at the moment that one can inspect for feel, style and weight, so I guess I’ll have to go with an Apple cover, even if only for the interim. I was going to get an orange one but in RL the orange is a little yellowy and not really that grand. The red leather is gorgeous but way too expensive. The green is practically fluoro. So I’m thinking I might go for the low-key pale grey. Keep it nice and neutral. And maybe get a nice bright neoprene pouch for it to travel in. Summat like that. But of course first I have to get my paws on an actual iPad all of my own. Apple’s now opened up instore reservations from the website for next-day pickup, which I made an attempt with, but the wretched system let me get all the way through before telling me there weren’t any slots! VERY annoying.

I shall cease to talk about that experience any more. It was very frustrating. I shall probably be similarly frustrated every evening for several weeks to come.

Apart from that, not too much to report. I watched the last bit of the summary videos for the end of the first week of my JavaScript refresher course. So far I seem to understand everything. There’s been one or two newish concepts (or rather, concepts that I knew existed but didn’t know quite how they fitted in) but mostly – understandably – the first week’s been mostly about basic principles. I’m pleased to say that I got through the week’s coding challenge first time, and worked it out in just a few minutes. Huzzah! Not as dim as I felt I was!

I also finally sat down and went through the new orchestral song thingy trying to pick out themes. There really aren’t that many to speak of, which is a little disturbing. The piece itself seems to have stalled somewhat following its superhero start, which is disappointing. I should push myself more with it. The plan is to send it off to my tutor on Wednesday so he can see what I’ve been up to and prepare stuff accordingly if need be. Um.

And had a bit of a panicky doubting think about jobs and what I should be doing about them. Conclusion: I have no idea. I’m a total mess and don’t know what I should be doing. I’m enjoying the composition teaching, but that’s not really a money-making option (not enough private students and academia is out because a. I don’t have any contacts and b. I don’t have even a Masters degree). I like building websites but I don’t really like dealing with clients. Or people in general. I like publishing and so on but ditto. Which kind of seems to wipe out the work-for-myself option because there’s no getting away from clients when you’re freelance. I’m beginning to think that, in spite of all the conceptual journey I’ve been on over the past couple of months, I’m kind of back where I started: short term web contracts, while trying to bring in a little money from this and that on the side. Which is a little depressing. But I think it’s more practical. I got so caught up in the sideline stuff of getting my own business running that the music kind of got shunted to one side. And when I de-shunted it because it became clear that I might need to have to find a job sooner than expected and I didn’t want to waste composition time, then the business stuff ended up shunted. Maybe I can’t actually do both. How depressing. I want to be superwoman! (I’d prefer Batgirl because the outfit’s cuter, but still…) Anyway, thoughts still bubbling away, ideas about priorities and how do I deal with them. Still no solution on the if-I-get-a-real-job-how-do-I-keep-the-music-going-while-not-letting-down-either-my-employer-or-myself issue. Perhaps there never will be. If you have any suggestions, please comment away!

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